Why Not

Tonight I'm feeling sad about the beginnings of a new relatioship. Having let my guard down and deciding to be vulnerable and authentic I am at the same time feeling excited. The sadness is about how hard I have made life for myself. How I have set myself up in the name of "protection" not to engage. I had locked up my precious and innocent child in a cage, telling them the world is not safe and this is for their own good.

Joy

As always, lots going on in the family home. some sadness and grief about old relationships. Engaged an ex in a long conversation today. Rocky grounds as on a good day it provides closure and on a bad day it provides closure. Feeling more in my power as I am honouring all the people in my head. Feeling some joy about the future possiblities of my life as I am focusing more on my sphere of influence and less on past, future and other people where I have no control. There is often a feeling of unease about being in this place becuase it is new to me. Today I felt like wanted to go back but it truly is a path of no return.


I wrote this poem to honour the joy

JOY

Joy slips into my life when I’m not watching

I see it in my sons’ eyes

A life lived is worthy of joy

There is joy in struggle

As it honors the soul

There is joy in sharing sadness

As it opens the door to intimacy

And there is joy in the daylight that follows the dark nigh

As only then do we know we are part of something bigger

February 2010

A Big Day

A big day today. Tonight I sit in that crazy chasm between the old world and the new world. The old world where I existed, was comfortable and my safety came from my delusion that I was in control. The new world where everything is possible and nothing is a given. My heightened awareness allows my to see my primal fears around loneliness and abandonment, without these fears having their edge taken off, or more likely being absorbed by my out of body life of anxiety. Its becoming clearer that my choice points are around whether I want to live according to these fears or whether I want to acknowledge them then, having seen them for what they are, make good choices and have the life that is destined for me.

Have spent some time today with an ex-partner and whilst able to avoid being triggered through keeping my boundaries, I feel a lot of grief around the los of that relationship. My head wants to keep me obsessed with what isn’t. It thinks this is looking after me but in truth I wish to feel the grief and move on.

Some time ago I wrote this poem and I wanted to add this to my blog in order for me to reconnect to it.

Grief

All my life I have searched for the gifts that are destined to be mine.

I looked under the rock of worldly desires
And only found fear and scarcity

I looked under fear and scarcity
And found worthlessness and emptiness

When in desperation I looked under grief
I found them all and more

For when I looked under grief
I stopped holding on to what wasn’t mine

In grieving my losses I honor what I’m worth
And only then am I ready to receive what is mine.

May 2009

Hidden Childhood Dreams

Tonight I went to one of the support group meetings I regularly go to. Walked in feeling disconnected and looking for distraction and walked out knowing what was really going on. When I shared some sadness came about from not having a childhood passion or interest to pursue. I imagined that children, when their world is safe, naturally getting in touch with that part of themselves which is uniquely them, and in that part find something which they have a passion about. My world was not safe and I didn’t find that part of me and hence as an adult I am doing that now. I find it difficult because my adult kicks in too early and dissuades me before the dream can even start. Inside the house everyone is set in their ways and all have developed very sophisticated ways of manifesting fear. I’m still looking everywhere in that house in my head because I knows it still there. Need to go through the usual process of finding out who had it last and where did they put it.

state of the nation

today i feel grateful but anxious..grateful for what is in my life, who is in my life and for finding my inner resourcefulness and seeing how it can be used to complement me rather than sabotaging me....i'm anxious because the "best" dysfunctional thinking continues to fly around my consciousness saying "look at me !!!"

Faith and Humility

Another day is ending with a strong sense of gratitude, humility and faith.

I started the day over anslysing a new emerging intimate relationship. Wanted to know whether this relationship was right for me so I could take control and make the right decision. Luckily an angel arrived in the form of a close friend in recovery and I was able to exist in my reality which was not knowing. The discomfort continued but then some joy dropped in behind it.

Another one of my close, but distant friends came to my place tonight. Close geographically and functionally but distant in connection, I felt. He left 5 hours later and whilst 95% of the time we danced a technically correct but emotionally dead dance, 5% of the time we connected. How did this happen ?

Faith and humility. Humility took away the blockages from an honest reflection of myself and faith gave me the courage to connect with my friend, because these connections are where I carry out my higher power’s will, not mine.

I sit here in awe realizing that I can honor the people in my head, and at the same time be available and connect with another human being. I’m also amazed that while my addiction presented me with many downward spirals such as (shame – acting out – shame) my recovery can provide me with equally strong upward spiral such as the one I experienced today (self-connection – external connection – self connection).

I am truly grateful for this.

Home Movies

Well today the family in my head decided to put on some movies but luckily my awareness is sufficiently high that I know how they end, catastrophically badly, and out of desperation ask my higher power to turn off the movies and give me some peace. Out of interest today’s movies were about relationships, money and work; three of the most highly played ones in my collection.
I was talking to a fellow traveler tonight about the concept of “my best thinking”. Previously this was something that I believed by itself would ensure I had a wonderful and fulfilling life full of tremendous achievements, as I considered it capable of anything. Instead I have found that it is more complicated than this. My vast cognitive skills were doing what they do, and working on what they were asked to, but who was watching them . What comes up for me is that they are the genius child in the family, but with no parental supervision were focused on ways of causing damage to the house. You may ask why were they trying to damage the house. Without supervision and with the emotionally maturity of a young child they played out fear and anger and what a self-maintaining cycle that was. Now there is an adult watching who sees them as an important part of the family but like all children requires some supervision, boundaries and a loving parent who will protect, guide and discipline them. They are no longer considered a higher power, as even though that do represent my best thinking, there is a power much greater then than for me to tap into (isn’t that a relief !!!!!).