A Big Day

A big day today. Tonight I sit in that crazy chasm between the old world and the new world. The old world where I existed, was comfortable and my safety came from my delusion that I was in control. The new world where everything is possible and nothing is a given. My heightened awareness allows my to see my primal fears around loneliness and abandonment, without these fears having their edge taken off, or more likely being absorbed by my out of body life of anxiety. Its becoming clearer that my choice points are around whether I want to live according to these fears or whether I want to acknowledge them then, having seen them for what they are, make good choices and have the life that is destined for me.

Have spent some time today with an ex-partner and whilst able to avoid being triggered through keeping my boundaries, I feel a lot of grief around the los of that relationship. My head wants to keep me obsessed with what isn’t. It thinks this is looking after me but in truth I wish to feel the grief and move on.

Some time ago I wrote this poem and I wanted to add this to my blog in order for me to reconnect to it.

Grief

All my life I have searched for the gifts that are destined to be mine.

I looked under the rock of worldly desires
And only found fear and scarcity

I looked under fear and scarcity
And found worthlessness and emptiness

When in desperation I looked under grief
I found them all and more

For when I looked under grief
I stopped holding on to what wasn’t mine

In grieving my losses I honor what I’m worth
And only then am I ready to receive what is mine.

May 2009